Today. Today I had a moment of sweetness. Sweet like Eva.
Today I went to a little local kids clothing exchange shop. I brought some things and I stopped and looked through the racks as my little boys needed shorts. I looked through the girl clothes too, for Josie. And there I found a red shirt. Size 4. Just right for my dark haired, blue eyed Eva. Just right. And I looked at it and I didn't take it. And I thought of my girl and how cute she would have looked in that shirt.
The tears flow now as I remember and write, but in the moment there was sweetness in the clothes she would have worn. A sweetness that surprised me as I took a moment to caress the shirt she might have worn, had our lives been different.
My first taste of grief and sweetness on my tongue and in my heart.
I miss you little girl. Miss buying you clothes and Christmas presents and feeling your little girl arms wrap around me. Miss your voice saying 'I love you'. Miss the Mother.'s Day Cards and little drawings. Miss the sticky summer popsicle hands. Miss the dancing under the sprinkler. Just miss you my little girl.
One day. One day we will dance together again. And I will hold you in my arms forever.