My dearest Eva, my treasure, my sweet,
It's coming on the 15th again. The anniversary of your birth and your death all rolled into one for this sad mama. How I miss you my darling. You are ever-present in my heart and mind. I may appear to be engaged with others but you are always there with me, dancing in my peripheral vision. What would you be doing if you were here? It is the question I ask myself every day...the question without an answer.
On Friday I was shopping and I bought a little something for all the kids...I had to buy you something too. I bought you blue butterfly hairbows. They would have looked so amazing with your beautiful blue eyes. Of course, you can't wear them, and nothing can bring them to you. But they are yours. I just had to buy you something. Had to carry that little bitty card with the hair bows home wishing all the while that you were here and I could put them in your hair.
Some may think my mind is cracking, but the truth is much worse than that. The truth is that it is my heart that is not only cracked, but completely broken open. One can live with a cracked mind but what I don't understand is how I have managed and continue to manage to live with this broken heart. Every evening I am surprised I have lived through another day without you. Every day I miss you but as the 15th draws closer, so do you, and I miss you even more. The 15th is for you. Always. How I wish you could have stayed longer with us. How I wish I never knew this depth of pain and you were here in my arms...or trying to squirm away and go play. How I wish the 15th was only a happy day. A day where you were another month older. A day that could go by, scarcely noticed until it was your birthday again.
Eva darling, your mama misses you so. Every night I pray to dream of you and I never do. Maybe it would be too painful to wake up without you but what I wouldn't do to hold you in my arms again, even if only in my dreams.
I love you my sweet. Good night my darling, my love.